Losers who hate to love Obama

OH, THEY'VE all changed now. Suddenly, they all like Obama, so even Republican spokesmen are saying things like: "This great and truly memorable moment shows what a wonderful country we are. Sure, during the campaign we called him a sleazy Marxist terrorist dirty Muslim atheist thieving anti-American Arab anarchist lying cowardly darky, but let's not allow that to cloud this joyful, wonderful result."

Some of them almost slip up and say, "Can I be the first to say how glad I am that this moment, which I've spent my entire life trying to prevent, has happened?"

Sarah Palin said, "The pettiness of the campaign mustn't erode the recognition of this historic moment." So the pettiness was no one's fault. There was just a big pettiness storm, and everyone got "caught up" in it. Which is why she pettily accused Obama of having friends who were terrorists, and he replied, equally pettily, "No, I haven't."

Then she accused him of having an illegal aunt, and he, being petty, took no notice. If she'd been allowed to run her own campaign, she'd have appeared on CNN, skipping with a friend and chanting, "Barack Obama, smells like a llama, there's one worse smell, and that's Michelle." Obama would have responded with, "I have no comment to make on the skipping rhyme," and she'd say, "There you are--we're all as petty as the other."

Richard Littlejohn writes in the Daily Mail how we are all "enthralled and inspired by Obama's ascent to the White House." But just before the election, he predicted Obama would lose because he's an "uppity kid with delusions of grandeur."

Now he offers a page of advice on how Obama could be a great president. Maybe he'll send a letter: "Dear Barack, Congratulations on your victory, which was mostly due to you following my advice in becoming less uppity. I think you're marvelous, and just need to tweak your policy on combating global warming to read 'This stuff about carbon emissions is dreamed up by Camden Council to turn us all into traitorous antiwar lesbians.' Then you should deport yourself. Anyway, I'm free to come to lunch and we can fill in the details. Yours sincerely, the never uppity Richard."

Peter Mandelson has added his advice, warning Obama about opposing "free trade." It must be tempting to send him a letter saying, "Oh, I'm supposed to take lessons from YOU on how to be popular am I, you squirt."

Except it would be full of Obama-esque rhetoric: "Two score years and 10 or more ago, as our world recovered from the ravages of unprecedented conflict, was born in England for some reason a figure of unequalled squirtness, an individual who sought with majestic tenacity to be sacked in disgrace on so many occasions, and he has come to me with his advice, and I ask of you today, is there any reason to take one jot of bloody notice--no, there isn't."

On the other hand are the millions who danced and sang, who cried and gazed in disbelief. There's a film circulating showing the scenes in Harlem that no one alive could fail to blubber at. These are the people who have the right to offer advice and make their demands.

Whereas these other recent converts make you think Hitler shouldn't have bothered killing himself in his bunker. He should have made a statement saying, "I congratulate Mr. Churchill and Mr. Stalin on a well-fought campaign, and this marvelous day is a tribute to Germany, as long as we all forget the pettiness of the war and the playful banter of the Third Reich."

First published in the Independent.